The Happy Cry
Allowing ourselves to feel joy after loss
We were nearing the end of my niece’s Bat Mitzvah service and it had come time for the Mourners Kaddish, a prayer said in honor of those who have passed, when my 5-year-old leaned over and stage whispered "Are you thinking about Uncle Ben right now?" I nodded and wiped my eyes before turning to her, hoping my smile might make up for the tears. She gave me a deep, understanding look and continued, “I bet those are NOT happy tears.”
She’d only learned about the existence of happy tears minutes earlier when I explained that her Aunt and Uncle were tearing up because they were so proud of her cousin.
“People cry when they’re happy?” she’d asked skeptically.
“Yes, sometimes. People cry when they have big feelings - good or bad” I whispered.
She turned back to the service, satisfied with my answer (for now), and I went back to quietly pretending I wasn’t crying when I was most definitely crying.
Feeling the range of big emotions can take some time to return after experiencing a significant loss. The lows are oh-so-low and the highs are… nowhere. There are no highs. But eventually, the highs come back and they are accompanied by a guilt and sadness that will bring you to your knees. Allowing yourself to feel joy after a loss requires learning a new skill and a new language; it requires the acceptance that feeling joy in their absence does not mean you feel joy because of their absence. A nuance that took me years to fully understand, and I still don’t always manage it.
I admire people who happy cry. To me, it symbolizes an open heart full of love readily shared and pride in the life that surrounds them. Perhaps we cry in devastation for the same reason - because life is too short and too beautiful to keep bottled up inside.
Not timely, just delightful
✂️ Punch Needle - I am a crafter. There, I said it. When I’m feeling stressed, overwhelmed, or anxious, I find it especially helpful to do something with my hands that does not involve a phone and doomscrolling. That’s where my punch needle comes in. There’s no real setup or cleanup required, you can put it down and pick it back up at any point in the process, and the feeling of physically punching the yarn through fabric over and over is incredibly satisfying. Bonus: you can make creepy pillows and coasters! Here’s a good tutorial to get you started. 10/10
🧇 Finger Dinner - the newest tradition in our household is Movie Night + Finger Dinner, which is (unsurprisingly) a dinner consisting entirely of finger foods that we eat while watching a movie. This is exciting for the kids because it’s the only meal they’re allowed to eat not at the table so it feels very rebellious. It’s exciting for me because it means I get to make a big random charcuterie board and let everyone assemble their own plates. Dinners that are easy to make and popular with kids are the definition of delightful. 10/10
📸 Bat/Bar Mitzvah Parties - we’ve been to 3 Bat Mitzvahs this winter and what struck me was how little things have changed (in a great way). Sure the swag has gotten swaggier and there are now digital photo books (a true delight), but these parties illustrate that Bon Jovi was right; the more things change the more they stay the same. Dancers are hyping up shy 7th graders, groups of friends are traveling in packs, buffets of chicken fingers and fries are overflowing, and there’s an understanding that these kids are on the precipice of change. But really it’s about those photo booths. 10/10